Before I start today's post, I'd just like to say that I legitimately saw a zombie while I was on my run this morning. (And please don't try to convince me otherwise. Non-undead people don't walk like that, especially before the sun comes up. I'm just glad that I took a detour before it could sense my presence, chase me down, and eat my brains...)
Anyway.
I just wanted to get in a brief post before I crash, since I can't sleep and I have something I want to get off of my chest.
One of my coworkers and I ended up taking a 15 together today, and he asked me, "So what's up with all the positivity lately?" The question took me by surprise, because I guess my un-positive days have been more than apparent and more than abundant. But it's true...the last few days--since I started this blog, actually--have been incredible. I've had some absolutely amazing interactions at work, I've generated more revenue than I think I have in any other week in my almost-nine-month career, and I've been bouncing around the store like life is one giant parade of gumdrops and lollipops.*
Moreover, I've been more vocal about my accomplishments. It's weird for me to brag about anything...because honestly, I've never really talked about myself in anything but a derogatory way. Yes, the derogatory comments are masquerading as humility or modesty, but, frankly, half of the reason I'm depressed all of the time is that I lack faith in my own abilities.
And I'm slowly starting to realize that until I can start speaking about myself and all of the things I know I can actually do in a positive way--hell, until I learn how to brag like the rest of the fucking world--no one is ever going to take me seriously.
This is not to say that I'm planning on becoming a pompous, smug, self-satisfied asshole, because a) people like that disgust me, and I'm not a hypocrite and b) I'm still having a hard time acknowledging that my life has not just been one giant pile of failure since day one.
But I figure I can devote one blog post to tooting my horn, 'cause I have accomplished a metric shit ton in my 24.5 short years.
At the age of 21 I rescued a high school theatre department, re-wrote the curricula for four classes, and directed three award-worthy plays. I was offered a fellowship to an Ivy League theatre school that only accepted 7 people into my program. I wrote a full length play, and half of it was iambic pentameter. I have copyedited for a magazine, run a custom pastry business that was featured in The Gainesville Sun, gotten certified as a personal trainer, and studied everything from Shakespeare to string theory and still made it out alive. I read Ulysses three times, goddammit! And now, after all that, I'm start completely over from scratch and making a living in a field that I know next to nothing about, and people are actually, finally taking me seriously.
I have what it takes. I can do this. I can.
/rant.
Sorry for that. I just...I feel like I don't get to be proud very often. Not legitimately proud. Because I never feel like I deserve it. Well, maybe this time I fucking do.
So I'm going to try to keep this positivity thing up. Even if tomorrow is a complete flop, at least I had today.
Um. Guess I'll try to get to sleep now.
(Also, my workout today, zombies not included, was okay. I ran a 5K at about a 7:40/mi avg. pace and then did a plyometric workout in my front yard. My legs hurt in the best way possible. More running tomorrow, provided I can get some shut eye & wake up on time....)
Kaila
*I actually don't really like gumdrops or lollipops, if you must know. So maybe it's been more like a parade of pizza and chocolate chip cookie dough.**
**Because everyone knows that if cookie dough doesn't have chocolate chips in it, it's not worth eating.
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