Getting the blood pumping...

So, I'm going to have to make tonight's post short and sweet, since I'm typing a bit more slowly than usual given the fact that I managed to put my blender's manufacturer's claims about blade sharpness to the test with my finger.

In other words, I'm out a pair of yellow rubber gloves.

Anyway.

I had an interesting yoga class today...I wasn't too excited about going, since I'm sort of hitting the one-week wall. I've been to seven classes in five days, and methinks my body doth protest too much. I remember reading somewhere that the health of your feet is an indicator of the health of the rest of your body, and the fact that my ankle is still hurting & my heel is still swollen is a little worrisome (not to mention the fact that the bursitis on my knee still isn't fully gone).

But I went to yoga regardless. I already set the intention not to push myself too hard, so that I could use today more as a restorative day than anything else.

Interestingly enough, it was hot and humid enough outside today to have done Bikram in the great outdoors. Which is why, when a mini hurricane broke out over our studio and caused a blackout, the room stayed hot enough to continue class without light or heat.

It was a really amazing experience. At first, my concentration was absolutely shot--the lights went out in the middle of Garurasana, and I have enough trouble balancing on one leg with the lights on and my focus in the mirror!

Garurasana (Eagle Pose)

My eyes adjusted through Dandyamana-Janushirasana, and as the class progressed, because I was only seeing outlines, I had to concentrate harder than I've ever concentrated before. Even our teacher commented during the final Savasana, "I think this was the most focused class I've ever taught."

Dandyamana-Janushirasana (Standing Head-to-Knee Pose)

Anyway, I'm off to bed, since I have some yoga-ing to do in the morning before work...My body is actually feeling better than when I went to the studio today, so I guess something worked.

I'll leave you with a thought from one of my teachers yesterday:

"Savasana is like the weekend; it never feels long enough."

Savasana (Dead Body Pose)

Namaste!

Some Like it Hot...

If you know me, then you know I'm the kind of person who goes to extremes when it comes to fitness.

I don't just resistance train; I become a bodybuilder.

I don't just go for a run; I do it barefoot and at 4:30 am.

It stands to reason that when I decide to do yoga, it sure as hell isn't going to be 30 minutes of deep breathing in savasana.

So of course I'd end up sweating my rear end off through 26 postures and two breathing exercises for 90 minutes in a room heated to 105 degrees.

I fell into Bikram yoga almost two years ago, when I was home from Columbia & debating whether or not I wanted to go back (see: this post for a recap). Depressed & looking for a change, I decided to try yoga...and the closest yoga studio to my mom's house happened to be Bikram Yoga Boca Raton. So I grabbed two towels, a yoga mat, and a bottle of water, signed up for my first class, and fell in love.

Back in NY, I made the commitment to go back to grad school, and sweating through my daily practice at Bikram Yoga Harlem helped me keep my cool (bad pun intended). Taking the subway uptown in my winter gear, I would get in my daily practice & then go to the Hungarian Pastry Shop to write. It was the perfect way to bring balance back into my life.

Of course, all fairy tales end the same way in the face of reality: money & time were not on my side. Given the fact that I was living off of what was left of my savings as well as attending 5 classes and 4 shows a week, the expensive 90 minute classes (bookended with 30-45 minutes of prep & travel time in both directions) were just not doable.

On top of that, I (being me) managed to overdo it & overstretch my hamstrings to the point that I couldn't comfortably walk for a few weeks.

I went back to the gym & only dabbled in Bikram when I could get up to the studio. And when summer hit & I started going to the gym hardcore, yoga & stretching became the furthest thing from my mind.

But now that I can't do impact exercise (and I refuse to sit on my butt anymore), Bikram has come back into my life. I started going to Bikram Yoga Delray Beach, which is a really fantastic studio. I enjoy my practice even more now than I did months ago, because I'm more aware of the limitations of my body. My leg is still in pain, but I know how far I can push it and still get the benefits of the postures.

My friend Steve, who also goes to the studio, mentioned that BYDB was doing a 30 day challenge: 30 classes in 30 days. Which is insane.

So of course I'm doing it.

I've made it through the first 6 classes, although I've had to do two doubles (a morning class & an evening class) to catch up after missing classes due to my work schedule.

Today was a double, so, while my body is a pile of jelly, my mind's in a beautiful state.

I'm hoping that this challenge will help me hit the reset button for my brain and for my body. I want to be able to go back to the gym & start strength training again, but this time I'm going to make sure that I leave time to restore.

With that said, I'm off to sleep...I've got some yoga to do tomorrow, & I want to be rested and ready for it!

Namaste!

I'm gonna let it shine...

Before I start today's post, I'd just like to say that I legitimately saw a zombie while I was on my run this morning. (And please don't try to convince me otherwise. Non-undead people don't walk like that, especially before the sun comes up. I'm just glad that I took a detour before it could sense my presence, chase me down, and eat my brains...)

Anyway.

I just wanted to get in a brief post before I crash, since I can't sleep and I have something I want to get off of my chest.

One of my coworkers and I ended up taking a 15 together today, and he asked me, "So what's up with all the positivity lately?" The question took me by surprise, because I guess my un-positive days have been more than apparent and more than abundant. But it's true...the last few days--since I started this blog, actually--have been incredible. I've had some absolutely amazing interactions at work, I've generated more revenue than I think I have in any other week in my almost-nine-month career, and I've been bouncing around the store like life is one giant parade of gumdrops and lollipops.*

Moreover, I've been more vocal about my accomplishments. It's weird for me to brag about anything...because honestly, I've never really talked about myself in anything but a derogatory way. Yes, the derogatory comments are masquerading as humility or modesty, but, frankly, half of the reason I'm depressed all of the time is that I lack faith in my own abilities.

And I'm slowly starting to realize that until I can start speaking about myself and all of the things I know I can actually do in a positive way--hell, until I learn how to brag like the rest of the fucking world--no one is ever going to take me seriously.

This is not to say that I'm planning on becoming a pompous, smug, self-satisfied asshole, because a) people like that disgust me, and I'm not a hypocrite and b) I'm still having a hard time acknowledging that my life has not just been one giant pile of failure since day one.

But I figure I can devote one blog post to tooting my horn, 'cause I have accomplished a metric shit ton in my 24.5 short years.

At the age of 21 I rescued a high school theatre department, re-wrote the curricula for four classes, and directed three award-worthy plays. I was offered a fellowship to an Ivy League theatre school that only accepted 7 people into my program. I wrote a full length play, and half of it was iambic pentameter. I have copyedited for a magazine, run a custom pastry business that was featured in The Gainesville Sun, gotten certified as a personal trainer, and studied everything from Shakespeare to string theory and still made it out alive. I read Ulysses three times, goddammit! And now, after all that, I'm start completely over from scratch and making a living in a field that I know next to nothing about, and people are actually, finally taking me seriously.

I have what it takes. I can do this. I can.

/rant.

Sorry for that. I just...I feel like I don't get to be proud very often. Not legitimately proud. Because I never feel like I deserve it. Well, maybe this time I fucking do.

So I'm going to try to keep this positivity thing up. Even if tomorrow is a complete flop, at least I had today.

Um. Guess I'll try to get to sleep now.

(Also, my workout today, zombies not included, was okay. I ran a 5K at about a 7:40/mi avg. pace and then did a plyometric workout in my front yard. My legs hurt in the best way possible. More running tomorrow, provided I can get some shut eye & wake up on time....)

Kaila

*I actually don't really like gumdrops or lollipops, if you must know. So maybe it's been more like a parade of pizza and chocolate chip cookie dough.**


**Because everyone knows that if cookie dough doesn't have chocolate chips in it, it's not worth eating. 

Insomnia and Anxiety are Bad in Bed

I think my brain has forgotten how to sleep, and my body's not happy about it.

This is the second day in a row that anxiety kept me from falling asleep, and anxiety-filled dreams woke me up when I finally dozed off. Apparently, I've been such a restless sleeper, that even my little dog, who normally sleeps under the covers and spoons with the backs of my knees, slept on the arm chair in the corner of my room.

Somehow, despite my lack of restful sleep (and despite the vivid dreams that my roommates were purposely breaking my MacBook Air or that I was facilitating a presentation to a group of new hires, only I didn't know the material, etc.), I ended up "sleeping funny" and getting a kink in my neck. It hurts to turn my head now...so much so that I almost skipped the gym this morning.

Almost.

I figured, since I couldn't turn my head, I'd be forced to keep my head in a neutral, forward position during my workout. (And, believe it or not, that's exactly what happened.)

Today's workout, once again brought to you by Rachel Cosgrove:

Dynamic Warmup (You know it's dynamic when you're just warming up & you're already sweating!)
Super Set 1: Woodchops (8x3x2) & Planks (90 s)
Super Set 2: Offset Dumbbell Squats (8x3x2) & Standing Alternating Dumbbell Shoulder Press (8x3x2)
Super Set 3: Single-Leg Dumbbell Deadlifts (8x3x2) & Machine Assisted Chin Ups (8x3)
Super Set 4: Alternating Lateral Lunges with Dumbbells (8x3x2) & Two Point Single-Arm Dumbbell Rows (8x3x2)
Cool Down

Despite the neck and the insomnia, today's workout was just awesome. I felt strong--I lifted as heavily as I could despite the fact that my grip strength is terrible (which means that I'm going to have to do a little bit of grip work if I want to get to 40 lbs on the rows or improve my chin ups), and I even pushed past the point of giving up on the planks. I'm working hard on the whole "not-giving-in-or-giving-up" thing. In the gym and in life. I'm used to just quitting when it gets too hard--see: everything I've ever done in my life--so pushing past that last impossible rep by doing another, adding another 5 lbs for the final set, or holding a plank & keeping my core strong even though my entire body is shaking is a big deal for me.

I'm making a commitment to doing that in my outside-of-the-gym life.

Those of you who work with me know that I've been working on my composure--but lately I've been feeling like I'm fighting a losing battle. That kills me, because I want so badly to be a positive influence at work--and it's hard to do that when it feels like the world is crashing down around--and inside of--me.

But I can't just give in to the depression again. That would be just as bad as copping out on the last rep or waiting until the next workout to lift that extra five pounds. So the lesson for today is that I need to do some grip work, and I need to get a grip. That means no cheating with lifting straps or meltdowns in the back of house.

Alright then. Onto today. (Bring it!)

Kaila